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A special preview... Unique Southern character

Chapter 24

It was exactly 6:00 a.m. on Sunday morning in Tunica when I found myself lying wide awake in total darkness inside suite 444 of the Horseshoe Hotel. The words “flustered,” “incompetent,” and “numbskull” came to mind when rehashing my pathetic weekend action. My actions were amateurish for a man endorsing himself to be a professional. To use a golf analogy, I was afflicted with the duck hooks and the yips on the same day in competition. This was unacceptable for a professional.

It was now 7:00 a.m. this Sunday morning, and Junior was not in the Starbucks lounge. This seemed highly unusual for my friend to be a no-show after agreeing to meet this morning. While ambling through the casino floor, I overheard a person yell, “Willie, where has you been? I comes in here for my morning coffee to visit with Thomas.”

It was Junior in the nighttime lounge. I sat down next to him, saying, “Junior, what are doing in here this morning? You always drink your coffee at Starbucks.”

He answered, “Willie, Thomas loves to listen to the slot machines while drinking his coffee. Get yourself a Coke and join us.”

Junior introduced me to Thomas Rains as his friend from Olive Branch, Mississippi. Thomas, around Junior’s age, admitted to being a retired blackjack professional. To use his own words, the Horseshoe had taken his ass to the cleaners.

We were in a circle when a gorgeous girl walked past the lounge. “Wow, that girl can fill out a pair of blue jeans,” I said to Thomas and Junior. “Willie, she does not has no Brazilian butt,” responded a grinning Junior Johnson. “Say what?” I asked Junior.

“You hears me right, Willie,” Junior answered. “Her rear end is a little on the flat side. Them girls from Brazil has the best rear ends in the world. They is out-of-sight and nothing like our girls who looks like Snow White.”

Thomas added, “Willie, Junior ain’t usually right, but he’s dead-on about them girls in Brazil. Them girls is known for their rear ends. You must not get around much, Willie.”

I answered, “Well, I guess I’ve been a little busy working over the past thirty-five years. How do you guys claim to be experts on the Brazilian girls? Have you visited Brazil?”

Junior replied, “Willie, I has crossed the border just two times in my whole life. I has never been to no Brazil.”

“So you have been to Mexico?” I asked.

Junior said, “Does you hear me says anything about Mexico? I has crossed the border into Tennessee a few years back.”

I asked, “Well, Junior, if you haven’t been to Brazil, then how do you know about the sexy Brazilian women?”

“Willie, is you aware on some new technology calls satellite television?” answered Junior. “This new technology makes its way to Theo in 2009. They offers five hundred channels versus our normal three channels. It works off a power grid in the desert. They beams the signal from the power grid in Arizona all the way to Theo.”

Thomas chimed in, “You got that right, Junior. Willie, this technology is moving from west to east. You guys in Alabama will be the next folks on their list. They is showing X- rated shows. Is that right, Junior?”

Junior chimed in, “You hits the nail on the head, Thomas. Willie, this new satellite television does a special on them sexy Brazil girls. They wears string bikinis that shows their entire backsides. Some girls even goes topless. Them men in Brazil ignores bustlines ’cause they stares at sexy behinds.”

“Well, this sounds interesting,” I responded.

Thomas added, “Willie, Junior is dead-on about the sexy girls and their rear ends. I believe it has something to do with them girls playing volleyball.”

Junior chimed, “Willie, them girls is so sexy they is known to drive men crazy. Some men goes off the deep end just thinking about sexy Brazilian rear ends.”

Thomas joined in, “Willie, Junior is right. Do you pay attention to politics, Willie? The South Carolina governor loses his mind over a sexy South American rear end.”

Junior said, “Some folks tries to cover for that governor. His girlfriend is from a place calls Argentina. I believes this is the same country as Brazil. Is that right, Thomas?”

Thomas answered, “Yes, you is right, Junior. Argentina and Brazil is one and the same. This here governor tells his staff he is hiking the Appalachian Trail, but the bum is shacked up with his girlfriend in Argentina.”

Junior added, “I bets his wife is as mad as a wet hen. I thinks them wives looks forward to living in the White House for free. Them folks is not worried about no housing problem. Thomas, has your house lost value? I is losing sleep over the crisis. I pays twenty-six thousand nine for my house. Them agents tells me it is worth only twenty-five thousand in today’s market.”

Thomas added, “You are darn tootin’, Junior. I pays thirty-one thousand and would be lucky to get twenty-nine if forced to sell. Our prices in Olive Branch is a little higher than in Theo. I envy you and your low cost in living in Theo. But I admits to liking our service station.”

Junior added, “Thomas, I feels your pain. Now, about that governor. He lies to folks about where he is by saying, ‘I is out hiking along the grand old beautiful Appalachian Trail.’ But the bum is really in South America with a piece of tail. How stupid does the governor think we people is? Them comments has not worked since a couple of guys named Lewis and Clark. This guy is laid up in a fancy fifty-dollar-per-night hotel room with his girlfriend. Them politicians is embarrassing themselves.”

Thomas added, “The natives is getting restless in South Carolina. Why can’t their governor like hooters?”

Junior responded, “You is right, Thomas. He can find a girlfriend in our country if he likes boobs. Our girls has the best-looking bombs in the world.”

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